Blue Scilla

A little anger

2008-06-18T18:35:00.005-04:00

Once again I'm dealing with a break-up. OK, it's the same break up I was getting over before, but now it's for real. I got really mad and ended a friendship with an ex-boyfriend. I felt humiliated by this individual in various ways, and finally I got mad instead of depressed.
Now the think is, in many ways, this is a nice and interesting person. And he provided caring along with the not-so-nice things. In no way was this a black and white situation.
But I tended in the past to accept bad treatment as a reflection of myself, of my innate undeservingness. I'm no longer willing to do so. It's an uphill battle, but I am determined. I will like myself and remind myself of my good qualities. And I no longer accept mistreatment.
Things end so better things can begin.
Here is an inspiring blog entry by Therese J. Bochard in her blog Beyond Blue, on the goodness of getting mad - A little anger is good. I'd add that for some of us, a lot of anger is good.

Better than TV

2008-06-16T09:58:00.006-04:00

Saw Love in the Time of Cholera last night. It's an odd movie, about a man who falls in love as a teenager but then sleeps with oodles of lovely young women, and not with his love. The look of it is lovely - beautiful shots of South America and period costumes. The story is odd and very long at two plus hours.
But it was excellent to see a movie again. I've been missing going out to movies, and am overcoming my reluctance to watch on DVD. Movies are better than TV in any case. And even middling movies have something to offer - maybe just relaxation and an opportunity to focus on other lives.
I do love movies set in other cultures. Just a glimpse of what it might be like to live elsewhere in another time or circumstance. Letting the 'what if' muscles of the mind work a little.
This one was downloaded for me by a friend. I've joined Zip.ca now though. So soon DVD's should be 'zipping' to my door. For $4.95 a month, how can I go wrong?
See Lazy Man and Money's entertaining post on the American equivalent of Zip, Netflix - Six Months Later.

Getting up to Speed

2008-05-21T16:52:00.004-04:00

I've currently got loads of time to 'get up to speed' for a new contract. How best to do this?
Well, I've read through the manuals and read through the project plans from several years ago. Then I dashed out to Indigo to buy a Dummies book on Business Intelligence. I've been reading that, and it's very interesting. It gives a bit of the history of some of the technology I've been encountering. My knowledge of databases, business intelligence and specificially data mining could use an upgrade.
I've also chatted a bit with the co-workers sitting with me, only one of whom is actually on my team. It gives me a bit of an idea of the culture here.
One thing I know - they are not in a hurry. :-)

Mascara or third world aid

2008-04-01T18:50:00.004-04:00

Bought some new makeup - tinted moisturizer. At $15 it's a real bargain, compared to $45 for the real deal. I read the other day that if we put the money used in North America that is spent on makeup towards education, we could educate all children in the world to the end of University. Or something like that. Very guilt inducing at any rate.

But it doesn't follow that if I don't buy makeup more children will be educated. Or even if I donate every penny that would go to makeup (not such a lot in my case lol) to some worthy organization, it would make much difference.

So yes, mascara is a frivolous use of funds. But if it helps me feel more confident, if it helps me fit into my society, maybe it's not so frivolous. Would I get work without mascara? Would I get a date? Those are the burning questions my friends...

And regarding ethical spending - it's just too huge for me. I give a bit. Yes I could give more. Should I? Probably. Do I want to? Nope. Well, sorta. It's just too huge for me. Perhaps one percent of my income would be good. If I start earning regularly. Two percent?

Working again

2008-03-31T14:41:00.004-04:00

I need to get back into posting. Once I got a full time contract, I stopped writing. Me bad. I'm going to experiment with posting without pics as well - it's easier and maybe will ensure I keep writing here.

Now I have a few weeks off, then two contracts - 3 weeks and 6 months. Lots of money. Not so much time. Always the trade off.

I'm looking into being a more formal business. That means paying for my own benefits and incorporating to get a higher rate. Lots of paperwork....

Small world

2008-02-05T20:50:00.000-05:00

I have become addicted to the internet, email and blogs specifically. Who knew there are so many kinds of blogs. Today I discovered some written by Americans who are in the Middle East, one in Iraq and one in Pakistan doing some kind of relief work. So interesting - a window into the real world that is so far away and so different from mine.

A Nepalese / Canadian friend of mine is currently back in Nepal visiting his family. We IM'd each other a couple of nights ago, and I was struck with amazement that I could communicate with someone instantly who is half way around the world. How does that work?? He told me he is playing with children in an orphanage in Katmandu. He took them on a three hour hike up a mountain. It is hot, it is sunny. I told him my feet are freezing and I'm looking at my backyard with tree-branches heavy with snow. Also that I'm worried about my commute to my new job on the sleety highway.

How did the world get this small? Isn't it amazing?

Immersion (blog of relief workers)
Can of Worms (American soldier in Iraq)

Antidote to stress

2008-02-03T22:59:00.000-05:00

Well, here are some antidotes to the job hunting stress I talked about in my last post.

Clarity Have a goal and keep that goal in mind. Set backs just bring you closer to your goal. Visualize a winning interview, a happy job situation. Rejection is part of the journey - it's not the end of the story.

Courage Go to the interview with head held high. Smile. Be glad you are there, glad to talk to the interviewers. Be proud. You know you can do this job. Let that confidence shine.

Patience When you don't think the right questions are being asked, be good humoured. You do not know the whole situation, just a small piece. The world is large and every interview doesn't have to be a meeting of the minds. There is room for all opinions. Somewhere, you will meet the right people and find the right work.

Optimism Keep going. Work that is meant for you will appear. Good humour will serve you better than anger and depression. It is a game. Your turn to win will come.

There, that is better isn't it? It is a lot more fun to write in any case. So when I am next on the job hunt, I will refer back to this and see if I can apply it.

Buddy can you spare a dime

2008-02-01T18:29:00.000-05:00

I've been pounding the pavement (pounding the keyboard actually) for the past month and a half looking for work, and let me tell you, it hasn't been a lot of fun. It has been good practice in taking rejection with good humour however.

Now that I've snared a small contract at least, I feel I can share some of my stress. What does the stress consist of?

Confusion Why did they not hire me at the five interviews I went to? Was it my suit? It's a few years old, maybe I need a new one. Did I not click with the interviewer? Was I a know-it-all? Was I shy and unconfident?
Fear I will be a bag lady. My son will be scooping me out of the gutter and buying me donuts. There is something deeply wrong with me that prevents me from every being hired.
Anger The interview sucked. They asked the stupidest questions. How could they not agree that I am the perfect employee? They have no insight into what it takes to do this job. I have tried hard, I should have work by now. Unfair!
Depression It is useless to go to another interview. They won't like me. I'd best stay in bed and finish this mystery novel. The novel will at least not reject me...

Wow, this sounds like the stages of grief, except I think there may be a few more stages for death. Well, unemployment takes a holiday now from my house, and I can now afford some of the 'fruits' of life in Toronto.

For advice in actually getting a job, see this article from Penelope Trunk, super-blogger on career topics:
How to turn an interview into a job.

Succulent cabbages

2008-01-25T13:10:00.001-05:00

One of my goals is to eat four (yes just four) fruits and vegetables every day. Having this goal has made a difference. Also being able to check it off on my 'Joe's Goals' scorecard is very satisfying. Now four fruit and veg is actually not enough - I checked the Canada Food Guide recently and women in my age group are to eat 7 - 8 servings daily. Sigh.

However, four is a whole lot better than two say I. Baby steps, baby steps. I'll never get there if I have to aim for eight all at once. Wednesday last week was a red letter day though because I ate six servings of the dreaded veg and fruits. I am so delightfully goal oriented!

In related news, the New York Times Health section reports that the adjectives we add to our veggies influence how willing we are to eat them. See Would you like your veggies plain or succulent?.

I'll have some burnished blueberries, blissful bannanas and charming cabbage thank you very much!

Chocolate hack

2008-01-21T19:16:00.002-05:00

Here is a tip combining two of my passions - health and chocolate. Like chocoholics everywhere, I was delighted when the health benefits of chocolate were discovered (or were they just made public?). Now we know that eating your daily chocolate is an essential cancer prevention strategy.

But not just any chocolate. It must be a 'high percentage' dark chocolate. And unfortunately the higher your percentage of health enhancing cocoa, the more bitter the chocolate.

Now usually I don't venture any higher than 65 - 75 percent. Higher than that, eating is no longer a pleasure. But I received a bag of Lindt 85% chocolate squares for Christmas. Not to seem ungrateful, I choked down a square or two and then left the rest.

Now I have discovered an excellent hack. Take your bitter little square of health and put it between two biscuits. Tea biscuits work well. Here I have used digestives. Mmm.... Somehow the biscuit brings out the chocolatey goodness of the healthy chocolate, making it taste not so healthy anymore.

Of course, thanks to the amazing Lifehack.org for the title idea.

The joy of imperfection

2008-01-19T17:52:00.001-05:00

Perfection is the enemy of the good - I've heard that a lot lately. We're surrounded by images that some think are perfection - I'm talking about advertising of course. Beautiful young people in their teens or twenties, mostly white, all blissfully happy, and by the way, asking us to buy this or that. It's hard to watch these images every day and not feel that we just don't measure up. No woman ever has a zit, or flat hair, or even a white hair or two. 'You should look like that' I tell myself.

I think real life is also beautiful - but you can miss it if you are looking for things that correspond to the images created for us by the best minds in California.

Here is a post about The perfection of imperfection by the Cheerful Monk. He says among other wise things that our imperfections are what make us loveable. There you have it - be perfect with no love. Or be imperfect and be loveable. I know which I am.

The other day I went for a walk along College St., Toronto, between Bathurst and Ossington. I was looking for colour in this grey January, and found it at a corner store selling flowers.

Exit music

2008-01-17T19:26:00.000-05:00

I've just finished reading Ian Rankin's Exit Music. I enjoyed it - it's a noirish crime novel featuring the moody, hard-drinking, pop-music loving Inspector Rebus of Edinburgh. You can see the dark mood right from the cover, which is in moody blues and blacks. I always enjoyed picking this one up for the stylish cover alone.

The story features lots of banter between old friends and colleagues Siobhan and Rebus as Rebus makes his way through his last week and last case before his retirement. Siobhan is torn between her love / mentoree relationship with her boss and her itching to get on with things her way and maybe a promotion. Rebus is typically unwilling to 'go softly into that good night' of retirement, as it were, and sees in Siobhan his younger self perhaps. He is wistful for that past ambition but also weary of the chase.

I loved the lesser characters that pop up throughout - for instance, this small portrait of two mortuary attendants:

The nightshift consisted of just two men. One was in his forties and had the look - to Rebus's eyes - of an ex-con. A faded blue tattoo crept out of the neck of his overalls and halfway up his throat. It took Rebus a moment to place it as some sort of snake. The other man was a lot younger, bespectacled and gawky.
"I take it you're the poet," Rebus guessed.
"Lord Byron, we call him," the older man rasped.

Ha ha ha. The book is full of these little throw-away scenes. I guess that's one of the things that makes Rankin such a good writer - there is humour bubbling through the darkness all the way through the book.

So however many problems, discouragements and trials you face, can you still smile? Or at least toss back a drink and put on some sulky rock music and see it through somehow? Life is difficult, but also full of humour. That's what Rankin is telling me anyhow.

Have your read Exit Music? Or any Rebus books? Do tell in the comments if you like...

How to get over a breakup

2008-01-15T22:44:00.000-05:00

Breaking up is an almost universal experience, and it's one I've been going through lately. So in my quest to do this correctly, or mitigate the pain in some way that doesn't involve ingesting illicit substances, I googled to a relevant site at wikihow. I am to accept my pain, talk to my friends (but not too much) and keep my distance. I'd say I've fallen down in the keep my distance category. I'm now making up for that failure, and it hurts a lot. Maybe trying to be friends prevents honestly accepting that it's over.

But but but....to keep someone totally out of your life who was so important just weeks ago? Does it make sense?

Can you be friends after a break up? If the partner in question has lots of good qualities as a friend? I'd love to know your thoughts.

Eat Pray Love revisited

2008-01-14T22:56:00.000-05:00

I've had a closer read of the travel / yoga book Eat Pray Love and now I quite like it. It gives a breezy and humorous treatment to Gilbert's year long journey of self-discovery in Italy, India and Bali (Indonesia makes it three 'i's').

Gilbert is having a post-divorce identity crisis and goes on a sensual / spiritual year of renewal to try and come to terms with her experience. I can really identify with the urge to escape a tired world-view. Gilbert first renews her senses in Italy, then brushes up her spirituality in India, then finds love in Bali.

I like that she takes pleasure so seriously that good pasta becomes an almost mystical experience. Then I identify with her struggles with meditation, where her lost loves come to the fore. Isn't it always a struggle to get over a love? For me it is a struggle, and seeing Gilbert wrestle with this was cathartic for me. She actually ends up climbing a high tower and doing a letting-go ritual complete with mystical communication with her ex, which finally frees her to move ahead with her life.

In Bali she befriends a charming ancient healer called Ketut and basically hangs with him. He teaches her a few things - one that I like is smiling meditation. No need to twist yourself into pretzle like yogic poses Ketut informs Gilbert. You just sit and you smile. That's it. Smile at your whole body, including your liver. Makes you beautiful! Well, if meditation is going to make me beautiful, what better reason to do it? I am trying this meditation technique out!

Career sense

2008-01-11T15:29:00.000-05:00

More from the sunny day, though now it is raining dismally.

There's a huge discussion on careers over at Get Rich Slowly. The writer of this very useful blog asks his readers the perennial favorite question - 'How do you find work you love??' There are 61 responses so far....

Lord, I wish I knew how to do that also. A lot of the responders say they tried a variety of work and stumbled on something good. Another group wishes they had the funds to go back to college and train for what they'd really like. A small contingent says they were super focused on a career while young, trained for it, then found they didn't like it once they were doing it.

Sigh. My personal view for myself is that I have a decent occupation as a technical writer. It could be that I need to try working in smaller companies. The big companies have their advantages, but aren't the best fit for non-conformist moi.

Who loves me? Who is the boss?

2008-01-10T22:48:00.000-05:00

At last the sun peaked out and I went to Bellwoods Park where it was very windy. Seeing the sun is a treat this time of year.

I'm reading Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. It is written in a very chatty and breathless style which I find somewhat offputting, so I am skimming. I agree with the critics of this best seller that Gilbert is self-obsessed and has very middle class concerns and apparently no money worries whatsoever. Not a regular Jane. But, I'm reading it, so it does have interest for me.

At one point, she complains to a wise medicine man in Indonesia about her troubles with love (an ex-husband and ex-boyfriend prey on her mind). Then she comments that these must be petty concerns for him to advise on compared to questions of how to find enlightenment. And he replies that there are only two questions that people have - 'Does this person love me?' and 'Who is in charge?' That's it - those are the human concerns.

Who cannot relate to that? I know that questions of love pre-occupy my sorry dating ass. And when I'm working in a corporate environment, anyway, questions of the pecking order do unfortunately seem to take a lot of emotional energy.

Mosque tour

2008-01-08T22:01:00.000-05:00

I took a tour of this amazing new Hindu temple and museum a week ago. It looks like a fairy tale plunked down in an industrial park! The architecture is amazing - thousands of pieces hand carved in India and 'glued together' here on the outskirts of Toronto.

It was an interesting experience being almost the only white person among so many people. Overall, though the Hindu religion is extremely foreign to me, I found the temple had a warm, welcoming feel to it. I did not feel out of place or especially foreign. A few people were praying, but most were just looking, as I was.

In the temple itself, every surface except the floor is carved and decorated. It is all white, so the impression is of an extemely ornate wedding cake. Lovely. I highly recommend the trip to see this.

See the BAPS Shri Swaminarayan Mandir at 61 Claireville Drive. ('Mandir' means temple.)

Great goals tool

2008-01-07T09:57:00.000-05:00

I've started using a new free tool to keep track of my progress with various goals - Joe's Goals. It's simple and easy to use. What are my goals? Oh, the usual - exercise, eat veggies, etc. The main one that is different from most would be 'apply for jobs'. Got to get on that....

Classics I read in 2007

2008-01-06T21:59:00.000-05:00

I also re-read two classics last year - George Eliot's Middlemarch and Tolstoy's Anna Karenina (Oprah's Book Club). Both create a complete and detailed world that I love to disapear into. The world is so far from my own, yet the characters are universal enough that I can recognize myself and people I know in them. Part of the draw of both books though is the rural setting in a time that was if not simpler at least easier to grasp. I will read these again. A possible classic to re-read next year is War and Peace.

Notable books 2007

2007-12-29T22:54:00.000-05:00

The Globe and Mail published their 'notables share their best reads' list today, inspiring me to publish mine. At least to scratch my head and try and remember....

I read Saturday by Ian McEwan this year. I love his tight focus on his subject - there never seems to be an extraneous word. It's almost hyper-realistic. As a bonus, the story he tells is exciting and full of plot.

Ann Patchett's Truth and Beauty stood out as an extended meditation on the meaning of friendship, artistry, and beauty. Sad but beautiful.

I just finished another Ian McEwan opus, On Chesil Beach. This one I didn't like as much as Saturday, though it did hold my attention. About sexuality in the fifties, but also about forgiveness, tolerance and not paniking, which are all topics I am interested in. I thought the ending was tacked on and MacEwan hits over the head a little with his moral.

Also read The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. Now this totally held my attention. Didion's meditation on love and loss is raw and powerful. Very dark though. I feel I'm not old enough to benefit from this yet, knock wood.

Tomorrow more on some classics I read in 2007 and why you might like them too.

The inner judge

2007-12-21T22:49:00.001-05:00

So I'm pondering on what to focus on in this blog. Perhaps my journeys in self improvement. Perhaps my journeys in photography. Perhaps my journeys in finding a career that fits.

On the self improvement front, I've been reading Soul without Shame: A guide to liberating yourself from the judge within by Byron Brown. The title actually explains a lot. I believe in the central premise, that we keep ourselves down and let others keep us down with constant judgements. Brown says both positive and negative judgements actually keep us from our innate aliveness.

I am on the chapter explaining how to start to 'tune in' to our judgements. It can be just a feeling of depression, hollowness, or other negative state. Once we notice the feelings, we may be able to start hearing the judgements that cause them.

Of course I must motivate myself somehow, but beating myself about the head with a huge stick probably isn't the best way. Have to continue to read to find out how this can actually work.

Storm

2007-12-16T13:22:00.000-05:00

The worst storm in decades. I don't dare go out, but took this out of my front window. Shivers and shakes! Quakes and queries...